Two Truths and a Lie

The other day I jumped in my van to meet up with a guy to play a round of disc golf. I'm not sure where my mind was going, but I started to play this dialogue in my head while driving; I was rehearsing what to say to this guy to make myself look more important than I am. I am not sure what drove me to think that I needed to lie to make people like me. I am in a strange season where I don't know many people and don't have a lot of friends in the city where I live. We moved here in the middle of the pandemic, and I haven't been able to connect with people as well as I usually can. So naturally, I am craving community, but more than that, I'm craving friendship with other like-minded men. And on this occasion, I felt like I needed to dress to impress, to boost my persona so that I could make a friend.

So I jumped into my vehicle and started the drive; I thought through this perfect lie to make myself look human but an important human. It was about 20min into my drive when I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me, "Tristan, you know that's a lie, right?" I was instantly convicted; I felt like junk. Do I need to lie for this guy to want to hang out with me? I spent the rest of the drive praying and repenting for my foolishness. But, as we started playing our round of disc golf, I heard my mouth start talking; I was reciting exactly what I practiced. It was a great conversation, but it was based on a lie; I was not my true self. Again I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me, "Tristan, you're doing it." I stopped and told my friend that what I just said was not necessarily the truth, that I had lied—what a humbling experience.

Have you ever felt like you were not enough? That in order to look or feel a certain way, you need to boost how others see you? These past few months, that thought has been one of the biggest things on my mind, Tristan you are not enough. Every time I step to my desk and see my to-do list, I think you are not enough, or when my son says, "Dad, but you are always working," I think you are not enough. I sat and wrote this down this past week.

I am not enough, leader, boss, administrator, recruiter, friend, father, husband, and child of God. I am not enough.

The sad thing is that I created this list, I own this list, and I prioritized this list. Did you notice how I placed the child of God last? I have prayed over this list for the last few days, and this morning it dawned on me, God, I am prioritizing you to the end of the list. I start my day in the word and in prayer, but in my mind, I have him last when thinking about myself and how people see me. I am striving to have people look at me as a good leader, boss, friend, father, husband, and in the end, hopefully, they will see that I am also a faithful child of the living God. I am ashamed to say that my worldly reputation has become more important. I am failing in the task Christ gave us in Acts chapter 1, "you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you, and YOU will be my WITNESSES in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." The word witness in this passage talks about giving testimony. To give an account to all that you have seen, touched and experienced. My life, your life should be a living testimony of what we have experienced through Christ. And it should be clear when people look at us that we are different and have experienced something different.

As I still think of that list I wrote down, I still think that I am not enough. And the truth is I am not. But, God is, God is enough, and he sustains me as I walk this road. If I was enough to fulfill all that is on my list, where is the room for God to work? When would I have to lean on him for help? If I were enough, I wouldn't need God. The fact is we are not enough, and that is ok; why? Because God is more than enough.

Today, I choose to actively strive to be seen as a faithful child of God who is a good husband, father, friend, leader and boss. I know tomorrow I will need to pray and do the same. As the wise theologian A.W. Tozer wrote, "I am constantly working at becoming a better man of God." We should all strive to be better, but we should never feel ashamed for admitting we are not enough. I believe it's in those vulnerable moments where we are the most useful to God. We can forget that God, just like any good parent, likes it when their children ask for help.

This is something that my heart has been working through, and If you read this, I trust that it will be an encouragement to you.